compromise

FEAR BASED CONDITIONING

We all come with abundant courage, trust and love into this world. We trust all our needs will be taken care of and as a very young child privileged to grow up in what folk call “the modern/civilised world” we do not worry where the next meal will come from. Clothes are given to us as is food, we have beds to sleep in and rooves over our heads and really we want for nothing, quite content to, in my day, go outside and play, weather permitting and imagine all sorts of things whilst having grand adventures in nature. So where does all that trust, courage and love go to as we get older?

From my perception it gets shut down by a blanket of fear based conditioning. Tiny piece by tiny piece it starts to be smothered by statements the adults in our lives make of “Don’t you fall from there”, “You be careful you don’t choke on that”, “You’ll break your arm if you climb that tree”, “Don’t run with scissors, you’ll injure yourself”, “Don’t play with that knife you will cut yourself”, “Don’t speak to ANYONE you don’t know already,” “Don’t you behave like that”, “Don’t be so noisy”, and on and on it goes with the don’t, don’t, don’t – when do we ever hear do, be, trust yourself, you can do that, you are strong, smart, caring, helpful ?

When do we hear you are beautiful, you are capable, all you need lays within yourself? When in the midst of an emotional release does a parent just allow that release to occur without trying to control the behaviour or telling the child to stop crying and use their words? How can anyone speak when they are in the midst of releasing emotional energy like grief, frustration or anger particularly if they have been brought up with being told they are stupid or a sook for expressing themselves or have had their self- expression squashed in other ways?

Constantly we are shut down from doing and from being who we truly are until like sheep we just become one of the herd baaing constantly with our complaints of this or that or verbally attacking or defending, or gossiping about others, making judgements and accusations, giving advice we were not asked to give, seeking outside ourselves for what we think we need.

That is NOT living, that is merely existing. We become so numb and non-present in our bodies we are like the walking dead, literally, because life becomes so boring.    Heaven forbid we should express joy or laughter in quiet spaces like lifts or whilst hemmed into office cubicles or at functions where we have to remain “dignified” and silent.

I recall once one of my children being ever so embarrassed whilst out simply because I was listening to and feeling the music of some drummers and my body started moving to the beat of the drumming. How is that we have created a culture where we are embarrassed by Self-expression with something as beautiful as appreciating another’s musical ability and moving with the flow of that music?

How often do we hear – “Leave your personal stuff at home, don’t let it impact on your productivity here at work” or the reverse “Leave your work at work”. Since when is it truly possible for any human being to just flick a switch within themselves and turn off like a machine from what is going on in their life be it at home or at work just because some man made device with numbers on it says it is time to?

In order to cope with it all we land up self-medicating, hanging out for that drink at the end of the day or that cigarette on our break, both of which we then become addicted to, or worse we take other substances to “make” us feel better which then create more problems for us, or we become ill and dis-eased simply because our Soul has become so bored with it all. Just watch commuters on a train who day in day out, do the same thing over and over again, they become like robots just going through the motions.   So many folk just hang in there for the weekend or for a holiday to escape it all and then their thinking is, shame that’s over now I have to go back to reality and the grind of it all.  That grind of it all IS your life.

How many folk are SO relieved when Friday hits – many it would seem for it is not uncommon to see or hear these days TGIF or when Wednesday hits it is commonly known now as hump day as we are all on the downhill run to two days where we can do what we actually want to do with our lives, how sad.    And seriously, what a WASTE of a life!

We are not here to be machines, to just constantly produce and make money to buy things or make other folk rich, none of which we can take with us anyway which some poor sod only has to sort out, distribute or sell or even worse still have arguments with remaining family members about it all, when we leave our physical bodies. So many of us have been brought up with the ethos of you have to study hard, do well at school, get a good job, get married, have children, get yourself into debt with a mortgage to own your own home, buy that flash car or whatever, which then ties you to that job you hate even more because that is, according to our fear based conditioning the best way for you to be successful in life. In the meantime you miss out on precious time with family and with yourself and then by the time you are “allowed” to retire you are, generally speaking, too old or too ill to actually enjoy any of it.

If you don’t have a job for whatever reason you are considered to be a bludger and if you fall outside the box regarding any of those things it is deemed there is something wrong with you by many. So much fear based rubbish is fed to us from such a young age it’s no wonder we are not all puking it back up on the side walk as in a robotic like trance we exist and fool ourselves into thinking this is how life just is. We even treat each other often like a commodity or a possession – you give me this and I’ll give you that, or you “can’t” do this or that, or even worse still as I recently heard on the radio, some young woman had separated from her partner and the news reader’s comment was …… and bla de bla is back on the market again….., referring to her like she was just some piece of meat for sale, I wasn’t aware we had markets for women these days in this culture.

I also recall once when I was ill from having pulled several weeks of 19 hour days, without proper lunch breaks or having the energy to eat of an evening when I finally got home, an offer to walk me to the doctor as I didn’t know where it was, during which walk, when I said thank you I heard returned “Well I have to look after my investment”. I was shocked, is that all I was – an investment?   That prompted me to start thinking well perhaps it is truly time I started to more fully invest in myself.  So blessings to he who said that and thank you.

Life is truly not about ANY of this fear based bollocks and constant robotic production/consumerism. Life is an abundant ever flowing creation and whatever we need will manifest, just as it did when we were children. How many times have doors been closed in your face only for new ones to open?   How many times have really cruddy things happened that a bit later further down the track you can see the blessings in? We came into this life to create, for we are all creators and we are all the manifestation of Creation itself, with our thoughts, actions and words, we are not here to create a living hell for each other or the planet and bleat like sheep being pushed through a corral at shearing time. To become so desensitised to the atrocities in this world which humans inflict upon life on this planet that we just turn a blind eye to them or we do not get angry or sad about them.

How many people do you know who are actually in touch with their own passions, gifts, talents, skills and belief in themselves to such an extent that they know exactly what their purpose is in life, what they are here to do and who actually have the courage to break free of the boxes and just do it? What stops most folk from swimming the depths within themselves and pulling up the abundant treasures they contain which will enable them to do that which they love to do, not that which they feel they have to do? Fear, pure and simple.

Fear based conditioning that has been spoon fed to us since we were in diapers. We fear our pain, we fear the unknown, we fear the dark, we fear the light, we fear change, we fear not having a “job”, we fear life, we fear not having a home, we fear not having an income, we fear not being loved, we fear doing the Self work that would eliminate all the fear and all the pain and all the suffering. We fear death, we fear rejection, we fear loss, we fear illness, we even fear fear. Many miss their departed loved ones and yet become fear full should those loved ones make their presence known.

My goodness is there much in this world that we don’t fear given all we have been told and taken on as beliefs? Our heads are often terrified with whatever they conjure up and yet rarely do the fears we create in our own heads ever become a physical reality. At the end of the day in each and every single moment of life and even in death we are all absolutely fine.

Death is not something to fear, it is merely a transition from one state of being to another, just because we may not have a body any longer does not mean we do not exist. Personally I reckon once you move through your fear of death there really is nothing left to fear but by jingoes our fear based conditioning has a LOT to answer for because NONE of it is actually how life truly is and can be for ever so many of us. I saw a post a while ago on Facebook which I believe said something like:

F alse

E vidence

A ppearing

R eal ………   and that is precisely what fear is, an energy that squashes and conforms and stifles ever so much joy, love, peace, wisdom, self-confidence, self-expression and trust in this world.

If it is time you threw your fear blanket off, or started to remove it piece by piece, just as it was created for you to wear, untangling all the strands of it that have been woven around you so you can start to truly live your life as it was intended you live it with love, joy, abundance, excitement and passion – I have in my tool kit a pair of scissors I can loan you and many different ways in which I can assist you to untangle it.

Cheers, C.

Copyright – C. O’Connor 2015.

•*´☾☆☽`*•

#Cheryl O’Connor.

#Holistic #Counsellor, Author & Writer.

* Cognitive & Body Based Counselling.

* Creative & Artistic Therapies.

* Specialising in #Dream #Analysis/#Conscious #Dreaming & #Shamanic Journeying.

* #Reiki/#Seichim Treatments & Attunements.

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COMPROMISE

Like most words it’s a really interesting one when you stop and look at it and play around with it a little for in it I actually see two words Com and Promise – so what does it really mean?

Well according to one dictionary source com is a prefix meaning “with,” “together,” “in association,” and (with intensive force) “completely,” occurring in loanwords from Latin ( commit ): used in the formation of compound words before b, p, m: combine; compare; commingle.

Promise from my perception means that no matter what, I will do what I say I will. It may be that I can’t always do it exactly when I said I would but regardless of how long it takes I will do it anyway. For me a promise is linked in with a person’s integrity and honesty and displays, or not, their ability to “Walk their Talk” and whether or not they can be trusted and believed when they speak.

For me a promise is only ever something I can honestly make from the depths of my being, from the very core and heart of my soul and it is a sacred vow for me once spoken because regardless of what I have to go through, endure or deal with that vow will not ever be broken nor completed via the contract I have made by promising anything, until I have done what I have promised I will do.

Hence, I rarely ever make promises because life is so changeable and so much happens and the only time I make a promise is when I know with absolutely certainty and no doubt whatsoever within me that I can keep a promise, no matter what, which is why my book The Promise was given that title.

According to one dictionary there are several definitions for the word Promise:-

1. is a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one: unkept political promises.
2. an express assurance on which expectation is to be based: promises that an enemy will not win.
3. something that has the effect of an express assurance; indication of what may be expected.
4. indication of future excellence or achievement: a writer who shows promise.
5. something that is promised.

So…. what happens when we put Com and Promise together well yes we get Compromise but what then does that word really mean?

When I put them together not only do I get compromise but I also get a binding and complete contract if you like with another person that no matter what will not be broken and that is my own personal standard definition of the word.

However, according to one dictionary when the words com and promise come together they actually create meanings such as these:-

1. A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
2. the result of such a settlement.
3. something intermediate between different things: The split-level is a compromise between a ranch house and a multistoried house.
4. an endangering, especially of reputation; exposure to danger, suspicion, etc.: a compromise of one’s integrity.
verb (used with object), com•pro•mised, com•pro•mis•ing.
5. to settle by a compromise.
6. to expose or make vulnerable to danger, suspicion, scandal, etc.; jeopardize: a military oversight that compromised the nation’s defenses.
7. Obsolete .
a. to bind by bargain or agreement.
b. to bring to terms.

With these second lot of definitions in mind, which are the ones most folk normally associate compromise with, and given that the majority of us involve ourselves in relationships that appear to involve compromise as a major component, how is it that any of us can be truly happy when we compromise ourselves in the context of the meanings the majority place on the word?

I was speaking with a friend a while ago now and said something like “it’s all about comprising” as we were discussing “relationships”. This friend shared with me that no they did not believe that and then told me the following story which I have remembered as best as I can from my perception of it.

It was a fairly typical story of two people who meet, both living in separate places some distance away from each other quite happily. Neither wanting to move into each other’s space due to the distance they would then have to travel to where they needed to be for children’s schooling, work etc.

They wanted to live together just not in each other’s current place of residence so they compromised and both moved to a house, into an area neither really liked, so that the distance they each had to travel to be where they needed to be was equal.

This resulted in both now needing to travel a greater distance than they were on a daily basis, adjust to living together with each other and their respective children all in a house and an area neither particularly liked.

So what are the chances do you think of all involved being happy when all have compromised (with the word meaning the second lot of definitions I have shared) living arrangements they were perfectly happy with prior to meeting each other and when their relationship in that house is now built on a foundational stone of compromise?

This story is one I have heard often and one I have also lived for there once was a time when I saw compromise as most see it.

I once had also thought myself that compromise with that meaning attached to it was a necessary factor in a relationship. The old give and take as opposed to give and receive (there is a huge difference) and give all you can to anything you really want to make happen or experience. Therein lays another issue in the word “make”. For truly we can never “make” anything happen where another is involved. At best we can give it a go and if both are committed plans are usually made and we create together whatever it is we have decided to create but we can never ever “make” another do anything.

I myself once compromised my way of life to move to another state to be with someone I loved because in many respects it was, at the time, easier for me to do so than him.

I gave up my whole way of life thinking my life would be better than it was at that time. Reality proved me wrong for it became a situation of me doing all the giving, me being the one constantly “compromising” what I wanted to experience in my life and in return I received a lot of abuse, ultimately ill health emotionally, financially, mentally and physically from another whose behaviour, lack of respect and narcissism, together with a previously unknown issue with alcohol which was being used to numb a heck of a lot of disenfranchised grief that had not been dealt with, all of which only became apparent once I had made the move over 1,000 kilometres away from my “home” area of some 28 years to an area I absolutely detested and often referred to as “the cess pit”. Essentially compromise in that situation wasn’t healthy for me or my son and cost me dearly in more ways than one. It also taught me much for which I was and am most grateful.

Compromise with the “normal” meaning of the word attached to it, from what I have seen from being on the planet for 50 years rarely ever turns out for the best when each and every one of us, by our very nature, requires the personal freedom to do whatever we want, whenever we want to within the confines or our societal structures, personal morals and values of course, independence and peace in our lives.

Compromise again with the “normal” definition from what I have seen leads to resentment and a host of other emotions that do not include joy, happiness or peace for how can we give another the best of us and experience joy, peace or happiness when we have in fact compromised ourselves and what truly makes us happy, joyous or peace full?

So … personally, like my friend, I can’t see that compromise, as so very many of us know it to be, actually really works too well for any of us and I can’t imagine that any time soon I will be choosing to compromise myself in that context again.

Compromise however as I have come to know it and define it appears to me to be a whole different ball game.

Cheers, Cheryl.

© Cheryl O’Connor 2014.

•*´☾☆☽`*•

‪#‎Cheryl‬ O’Connor.
‪#‎Holistic‬ ‪#‎Counsellor‬, Author & Writer.

* Cognitive & Body Based Counselling.
* Creative & Artistic Therapies.
* Specialising in ‪#‎Dream‬ ‪#‎Analysis‬/‪#‎Conscious‬ ‪#‎Dreaming‬ & ‪#‎Shamanic‬ Journeying.
* ‪#‎Reiki‬/‪#‎Seichim‬ Treatments & Attunements.
* Isis ‪#‎Meditation‬.

Newsletter Subscription @ bit.ly/CheocoNews – All subscribers will receive a 10% discount on their first initial consultation for any of my services along with 10 pages of awesome tips and tricks to help you start deciphering the language of your Soul, your dreams, as well as the symbolism of what appears to you daily.

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